Not The Mother I Thought I'd Be

today was a bad day. a day like none other. it was a day that on multiple occasions reminded me that i am not suited for the job of mother. up until this point, i was well educated and i had a resume that would make some marvel. with my former jobs, my employers desired that i worked according to my strengths. in fact, i took a handy little test (don't you love personality tests) called strength finder to find out just how i was created. my boss took those results and customized my job. he made sure that i worked according to my strengths as best as he could make it. well, let me just tell you. parenting is not my strength. i'm pretty sure i would fail any personality test about parenting. ironically, one of my strengths is harmonizer yet i can't get harmony to reign with my kids for the life of me. i would have totally quit this job a long time ago if i could have. i'm clearly not cut out for it and it isn't in my strengths. today was a day that reminded me that i'm not the mother i thought i would be. no one can warn you about becoming a mom. each new mom is bright and bushy-tailed thinking only of sunshine and rainbows. even if i try to speak honestly, telling her of all the woes--endless dirty diapers (mine wouldn't poop in the potty until 5!), battles over clothes and hair, tears shed over cookies on the ground, the sheer emotional weariness of it all. no new mother would believe me. i wouldn't have. somehow we are blinded. we dream of handling everything with care and perfection unlike what we may have experienced ourselves. then somewhere around 18 months we begin to catch glimpses of who we are and who we never thought we would be. friend, i'm in the thick of it. i'm left bleeding in the trenches wondering if i will make it another day. i can't tell you it will get better or that you will get better. all i do know is that i need Jesus. i need him more today than yesterday. and honestly, i don't even know what that means or looks like. i earned a masters of arts in biblical studies and wonder how in the world god will redeem what is so lost in me. so where does that leave me? i lost the battle tonight. i yelled back. i disciplined in anger almost borderline abusive. my heart was angry. i love that kid with everything but don't like her tonight. i never imagined in my entire life that i could be filled with such anger. when life, aka my oldest, squeezes me, what comes out? anger. frustration. zero kindness. i left that at the door. that is not who i imagined i would be. maybe i imagined perfection. and that is a fault and post all in itself. i'm selfish. i'm flawed. i'm not perfect. i will mess up my kids. all i need is Jesus. grace abounds in deepest waters (hillsong). lord, i am in deep waters. i can barely keep my head above water. how about you, friend. are you sinking like me? are you failing? i wish more than anything i was a little bit beyond you and could spur you on. maybe you are beyond this season. how would you spur us on? i've been working on memorizing psalm 84 and can't help but bring this to mind. "blessed are those who strength is in you; whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. as they pass through the valley of baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. they go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in zion." this passage alone preaches. is my strength in him? is my heart set on the pilgrimage? we have to think of the end goal, the end game. when we pass through the rough, dry, discontent places, he will make it a place of springs, of life. lord have mercy! how i need some springs up in here!! as we go from day to day, year to year, season to season, meltdown to meltdown, frustration to frustration, there will be pools to fill us up; to strengthen us. i'm preaching to myself. i just filled up my journal with cries of anguish and desperation. sitting here, crying out to you helps. it heals. hearing the words of that psalm heals and strengthens. may his grace abound to you in your deep waters. carry on. pour another cup of coffee or glass of wine and snuggle up to truth. tomorrow is a new day. moms who are beyond those of us in the thick. pour out your encouragement on us like the autumn rains.